Spiders just don’t belong around food, okay? The last thing we want to see when we sit down for a meal is an eight-legged creepy-crawler, causing us to scream and upturn our plate in our collective lap. Because usually when spiders show up around dining tables, bad things happen.
Honestly, I don't care if there's a chance I could gain superhuman strength from my encounter with a spider at dinner, allowing me to swing from skyscraper to skyscraper as I please.
Yeah, it might enable me to protect the disadvantaged and do right by the disenfranchised, but with this great power, I also make enemies that threaten to hurt my close friends and family, ultimately forcing me to ask myself powerful existential questions about the privilege of vast power and the inherent responsibilities that come with it.
I'm not down for it.
Turns out, I'm not the only one who thinks like this. A restaurant manager at a high-end steakhouse in Portland, Oregon is suing for $999,999 (so, a million dollars) after saying that he was bitten by what he believes was a venomous brown recluse spider. There's one on your shoulder right now. Just kidding.
The manager at McCormick & Schmick’s Harborside had been complaining for a month to a contracted pest control company about spiders on the restaurant’s outdoor patio. When they failed to respond, he attempted to knock out the cobwebs himself, apparently subsequently getting bitten by a suspected brown recluse spider.
Local newspaper Oregon Live reports the “spider that bit Clement sent him to the hospital for three days with a fever, nausea, and weakness, according to his lawsuit”. However, there was no evidence of supernatural powers, or an inclination toward crime fighting.
Compounding the confusion over the incident is the fact that the brown recluse is not native to Oregon, although that's not to say the manager didn't get bitten by something terrible - say, a radioactive ant or something.
The amount he’s suing the pest control company for involves lost wages, medical bills, and “hundreds of thousands more for pain and suffering.” Granted, he’ll probably never be able to see a spider without having a heart attack ever again, so you can understand his strife. If you thought this man had it bad, take a second to feel for the people of Australia.
Even if you're not scared of spiders, this is pretty terrifying. This spider decided to invite itself to someone's breakfast. Not the first thing I want to see in the morning. Marc Fennell is an Australian media personality whose post was greeted by a lot of horrified Twitter responses.
"Every so often I just think 'farrrrrk living in Australia.' When my kids asked me at 7am if we should make breakfast for the spider too. That was one of those moments," his tweet reads. Just when that pic couldn’t get any scarier, you look up the arachnid and you find out that the giant spider doesn’t even make a web, but goes out and forages for food. It could have eaten the kids. If you weren't scared enough, notice the additional spider legs behind the wall.
Props to those kids for not immediately running out of the house screaming, but this is what separates the brave Australians from the rest of the world.