There are places where no one wants to spend Christmas. Hospital is perhaps the first example that springs to mind. While I'm lucky enough to have never experienced it, I came as close as you can get without being admitted when my mom broke her back - to say that it was grim would be putting it mildly. Not only did she have a limited amount of time she could spend with her family (damn you visiting hours!), but she was served what she described as pretty lackluster Christmas dinner.
However, it turns out that there's an undesirable Christmas location where the dinner is actually pretty impressive: prison. Yup, and not just any prison either, one of the UK's most notorious - HMP Dartmoor, which is home to serial killers, pedophiles and basically the last people you'd want to be sharing a glass of mulled wine and a mince pie with.
This is the dramatic moment prisoners saved a guard who suddenly had a heart attack:
But despite their crimes, their punishment won't extend to Christmas Day itself, sort of, and criminals like John George Haigh - AKA the acid bath murderer - will be tucking into options which include roast turkey and stuffing, pork and apple sauce, salmon and broccoli parcels and chicken tandoori with pitta bread. And they say that crime doesn't pay!
As if that wasn't mouthwatering enough, the prisoners will also have some scrumptious options for sides such as roast potatoes or egg fried rice, Brussels sprouts and baton carrots with gravy. Oh, and if there are any murderous vegans in there (there's got to be at least one who has no qualms with killing a person instead of animals) they'll be catered to as well.
While the prison has revealed its impressive Christmas menu, it made a point of stressing that it came at no extra cost to the British taxpayer, and the Mirror reported that the food would be paid for with the prison's existing budget.
There's also dessert on offer for inmates which once included the notorious "Max Axeman" Frank Mitchell. Namely, Christmas pudding and vanilla sauce or a cheese and biscuit pack - admittedly, this isn't quite as appetizing as the options for main courses.
But hey, I guess a lack of yule log is a small price to pay for commiting a violent crime.
On the upside, the prison's 600 convicts will also be treated to cheeses, puddings and mince pies between meals.
According to the Ministry of Justice, the elaborate Christmas Dinner is paid for with leftover money from the budgets.
A Government statement read:
"The daily allowance for a prisoner is £2.02 ($2.56) per day. With increased responsibilities to Governors since April 2017, and devolved budgets to prisons, what is actually spent on food per prisoner per day, and the breakdown per meals, is ultimately a decision for each Governor and their catering team."
If this has piqued your curiosity about what life behind bars is really like (as much as we'd all like to hope that we'd have an Orange is the New Black-esque experience if we ever end up behind bars), this is what you can buy at prison canteens in the UK.
A Freedom of Information request sent to Her Majesty's Prison Service found that it costs 89p ($1.16) for a tin of beans and sausages -providing you're not fussy about the brand. If you're looking for a fancier option, it costs £1.69 ($2.20) for "pork luncheon meat tin" and if you want an even fancier option, kippers in sunflower oil are available for £2.25 ($2.93).
Oh, and if you happen to be a foodie inmate like Hannibal Lecter, it costs 99p ($1.29) for Spinach leaf tea.
Prisoners can also pay for a little light entertainment, which we can only assume some of the inmates of HMP Dartmoor will be doing on Christmas Day, and it costs £3.19 ($4.16) for the Lovable Dogs edition of Top Trumps...
Because nothing says Christmas like two serial killers cooing over a chihuahua and eating vegan mince pies.