Mmmm. Pizza. What can be said about pizza that hasn’t been said already? Whether you’re a fan of pepperoni, anchovies, jalapeños or even pineapple (I’m not judging you… that much), the ingredients are there for an awesome time; delicious dough, tangy tomato sauce, and of course cheese. Lots and lots of cheese.
Like many of you out there, pizza is one of my favorite foods ever. If not for some security guards who were very good at their job, I would probably live in a Pizza Hut, hanging out by the oven for all the fresh cheese drippings. I like pizza a lot, is what I’m saying. You might even say that I love pizza.
But no matter how much I love pizza, you’d never catch me making love to pizza.
Let’s get the obvious out of the way: all the hot cheese and various spicy toppings would make for a very unpleasant experience, plus it would be totally and completely gross. Let’s not even entertain the idea of not wearing a condom. Why have sex with a pizza when I could be, y’know, eating it?
“But why are you talking about making love to pizza?” you ask while slowly reaching for the phone and dialing 9-1-1? Surely nobody’s ever done that, right? Wait, what? Seriously guys? Yeah, folks: I regret to inform you that a cruise ship owned by company Norwegian Cruise Line has had to put up notices on its walls to deter pizza lovers of an entirely different kind.
For more, let’s go to the Holy Ship! party cruise, where a very curious letter was found when it set sail this weekend. We’ve got this letter for you right here. Let’s see what it says, shall we? Instead of pizza for lunch, today might be the right time to try something different. I’ve heard falafel is good.
Let’s dive right in. The letter’s title is “Open Pizza Bar For Consumption Only”, and from there, it goes into perhaps too much detail in revealing the “uncouth” nature of the previous seaward excursion. Here’s the letter in full:
Thank you for sailing with us for another year of Holy Ship! Where we offer dozens of fine foods available 24/7 in the Garden Cafe, we must remind you that the foods available in the cafe are for consumption only. Due to incidents on previous sailings in which patrons engaged in uncouth behaviour in the cafe, we feel it is our duty to remind our guests that pizza is for eating, not fornicating.
Sexual acts with our handcrafted pizzas can bring unintended health consequences and can pose a safety hazard for other passengers aboard our journey. Lewd and/or sexual acts with our cuisines are not only frowned upon but are prohibited by maritime law. If you suffer sitophilia, or the sexual desire to fornicate with foods such as our pizzas, please inquire with one of our specialists in the medical bay below deck.
Norwegian Cruise Line”
Norwegian Cruise Line, the company behind the Holy Ship! cruises, has recently come out and said that the letters were all an elaborate prank by one of its passengers. But to be honest, if I had an intrepid fast food fornicator on the loose, that’s exactly what I’d say too. Once the secret’s out, everyone will be trying to have sex with pizza, and we have neither the technology nor the willing manpower to stop them.
How exactly does one stop a prolific pizza molestor from staining their underwear with cheese and tomato sauce? On international waters, whose job would it be to stop them? The FBI? The military? The coastguard?! That would be the worst episode of Baywatch ever.
All the same, I hope you’ve learned something today folks. I hope it’s that you should never, ever have sex with a pizza, but there might be some people out there who realize they might have something called sitophilia. If so, I’m only judging you a little bit. Remind me to uninvite you from my future pizza parties.