Love them or hate them, there’s little doubt that Fifty Shades of Grey stands as one of the defining book series of our generation.
Harry Potter, the Hunger Games and Twilight all have their respective merits and fans, but when it comes to reading a ton of words about a couple getting it on in increasingly… ‘creative’ ways, the exploits of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey have no equal. That’s probably a good thing.
So far, we’ve cried, cringed and heckled our way through two Fifty Shades movies in Fifty Shades of Grey and Fifty Shades Darker in 2015 and 2017 respectively, but what you might not know is that E L James, the author behind this controversial series, has been chugging along with the books in the background.
Recently, the newest book from the perspective of Christian Grey, called Darker, hit bookstores around the country, and you can be sure that there were some pretty steamy sex scenes. This time, though, there was a sex scene that took place in a kitchen, and once you read about it, you’ll probably never want to eat again.
At this particular point in the story, Christian and Anastasia have worked up quite the appetite, and they’re making dinner, like you, I, or any other couple who spend a lot of time together. Unfortunately, this is a Fifty Shades book, so it was only a matter of time before their combined passion and libidos got the better of them. And so it proved.
Perhaps it’s no surprise that it doesn’t take much to get Christian Grey’s manhood to approve “big-time”, but the simple act of chopping vegetables with Anastasia is enough to get the juices flowing for our heroically horny protagonist. As garlic, shallots, French beans all meet Anastasia’s kitchen knife, the two lovers bump into each other a lot.
Suddenly, the prose very clearly indicates that these two are going to get it on in the kitchen, and they’re even going to turn off the “gently smoking” wok first. Bumping hips, and exchanging what passes for flirty language in this salacious series of erotica, this stir-fry is about to get really stir-frisky.
But then, things take a weird turn. Weirder than it already has. As Christian turns off the wok (if you ask me, there’s nothing sexier than keeping your gas bill down), Christian says outright to Anastasia that he’s going to “f*** [her] brains out”, but first: there’s the very important issue of food hygiene.
That’s right, Anastasia. Put the chicken in the fridge: that stuff’s raw. I don’t know about you, but the merits (all three and a half of them) of incorporating raw chicken into your very kinky sex lives are kind of outweighed by all the potential horrifying diseases you can get from eating raw chicken, let alone putting it anywhere near your genitals.
Fortunately, Anastasia obliges (a little clumsily), and the two proceed to make love on the kitchen floor, causing me to never want to eat a stir fry ever again. Online, people are having a bit of a field day with the far-from-prosaic prose, and no wonder.
Well, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. I’m not here to judge your sex life: if you’re going to have sex in the kitchen, then go for it. I’m here to judge your food hygiene, people. Make sure that if you do, you put away your raw meat first. Of all the sentences I’d ever thought I’d write, I never would’ve guessed this would be one.