As somebody who's been on a fair few dates in my time, I'm beginning to understand what I'm looking for in a romantic partner. No longer am I spending several outings (not to mention a lot of my money) on something with little spending power. Pretty soon, I'll have a definitive idea of what'll work.
People who smoke or definitely don't want children, for example, I will definitely think twice about contacting the next day. That being said, while I have a set of guidelines to adhere to, there's probably only one thing I would consider an outright dealbreaker: liking Hawaiian pizza.
How can I seriously rate my potential partner's decision-making if they voluntarily eat pizza with pineapple toppings? What else are they hiding? Are they going to imprint this horrifying Hawaiian habit onto our hypothetical offspring?
As you can tell, I'm strictly anti-Hawaiian, but no matter which side of the debate you're on, I think we can all come together to condemn this latest doomed idea for a pizza topping.
Take a look at this picture of a slice of pizza. At first glance, it looks pretty much your standard pseudo-Italian fare: you've got the tomato sauce, the dough, a few herbs for extra flavor, and some pepperoni for a meaty kick. But at second, third, even fourth glance, you'll see that something is seriously afoot.
That's not pepperoni.
Yep, it looks as if some madman on the internet took a look at the Hawaiian pizza, and took it a twisted step further. While the story of the Hawaiian originates with the humble aspirations of heritage of Greek-Canadian Sam Panopoulos, the conception of this strawberry pizza occurred in utter darkness, in the physical sense as well as the spiritual. Twitter user @MoonEmoji, what horrors have you wrought upon us?!
Luckily, the forces on the internet that make the pineapple-on-pizza debate so furious and fervent are the same forces we can harness to do some real good in our terrifying and complicated world at a difficult time. Those forces descended upon the strawberry pizza, as the internet came together to condemn this heinous sin against pizza.
As we all know, folks, 2017 has been a year of fevered debate and polarization, and in the midst of all the online trolling and arguments, I'm glad we came together to eradicate true evil, striking it down wherever it rears its ugly head.
That being said, this isn't exactly the first time that someone has tried to put strawberries on a pizza. Most of the time, though, that "pizza" is more like a dessert pie, with cream cheese or mascarpone used instead of the ostensible mozzarella.
I'm sorry for having ruined your respective days, people. Nobody should ever have to lay their eyes on this, let alone taste it. At least I can say this - if I'm on another date and she orders a pizza with strawberries, I know exactly what to do: run away as fast as I can, and call the cops.