For years, I would plan days that I would skip school and college just so I could get myself down to a Pizza Hut for their lunchtime buffet. I used to love the stuff, piling plates full of pepperoni and Margherita, completely ignoring salads (because duh, pizza) and have no problems dealing with the guilt (and consequent weight gain).
Despite being in the game for almost just as long, Domino’s exploded onto the scene like a bat out of Hell, and everyone went crazy for their goods (particularly the garlic dip). Now it looks like their grind has paid off.
Dominos is now claiming that it is the “largest pizza company in the world,” according to the chain’s fourth-quarter earnings release. The company says its global retail sales surpassed $12.2 billion in 2017 – that was a 12.7 percent increase for the fiscal year, as strong as the smell of blue cheese – consequently dethroning Pizza Hut as the globe’s leading pizza maker.
The Texas-based Pizza Hut, founded in Wichita, Kansas in 1958, recently disclosed global systems sales of $12.03 billion. Domino’s President and Chief Executive Officer J. Patrick Doyle said in a press release: “without question, we are pleased with our fourth quarter and full-year 2017 performance – with results that continued to outpace the industry.”
He continues, “our 2017 global retail sales growth and domestic comps outperformed the high-end of our stated three to five-year outlook. This, along with tremendous net store growth and an incredibly low number of closures, helps validate that our long-term fundamental strength is well intact heading into 2018.”
Domino’s – which once offered free sandwiches to people named Jared – is currently testing self-driving vehicles in Miami, Florida, after a months-long trial of the concept in Ann Arbor, Michigan, where the company is headquartered.
On top of this, the now biggest pizza company in the world is offering their exemplary service to the horny as well as the hungry. Just last week, it was announced that a new vibrator is being made that will allow you to order Donimo’s when you’re done getting off.
CamSoda, which is primarily a webcam and XXX VR company, announced their vibrator called the RubGrub, does all the things you’d want a good vibrator to do, the gets you a cheese pizza from Domino’s as well. According to a press release from the company, the RubGrub works via “an internet connected button (similar to the Amazon Dash Button) that is affixed on the end of the vibrator”:
“The button has payment/delivery and order information, which is programmed into it at the time of purchase and connects to Domino’s through its pizza-ordering API. When a user is done ‘using’ the vibrator, they push the button, which places a delivery order for a large cheese pizza.”
The Vice President of CamSoda, Daryn Parker said: “masturbation, while ultimately enjoyable, can be a strenuous physical activity during which an individual exerts a lot of energy and burns many calories. Inevitably, once someone has climaxed, they feel lethargic and hungry.”
“Now, in order to enjoy your Saturday night, all you need is your RubGrub device. Get off and get stuffed, all with the quick click of a button,” he continued. I’m not always optimistic for the future but as long as there’s pizza involved I think I’ll be happy. Keep going, Domino’s.