Meat Cakes’ have arrived, and the internet isn’t quite sure what to think

Yay for cake! There’s a pretty good reason that whenever we have something to celebrate in life, we turn to this delicious dessert to help us be merry on our big day.

Having a birthday? Ain’t no party without no cake. Getting married? You better believe cake is involved. Graduating college? You’re ready to make your way into the terrible and treacherous real world, where myriad disappointments await! What better time is there to suffocate your sorrow in cake?

Filling children and adults alike with a glycemic buzz, cake is one of life’s most simple pleasures. Icing or no icing, whether you’re into a simple sponge, chocolate, banana or even carrot cake, there is no judgement in the cake world. Do what you must do to satisfy the itching for cake.

Except this. Don’t do this. Do not make a meat cake, for the love of all that is good in the world.

This meaty monstrosity was originally conceived not in the bowels of Hell as you might imagine, but for the premiere of the new show by comedian Amy Sedaris, titled At Home With Amy Sedaris. It initially started off as a joke, but the meat cake has enjoyed an unlikely surge in popularity, and I’m decidedly not at home with it. Nor am I laughing.

Look, I’m no prude when it comes to food innovation. I like the idea of a cheese tower in lieu of cake. I’ll even accept licorice cake, if you insist on making me eat it at your wedding. It’s your big day, so whatever. But this? This is too far. Let’s take a look at another one:

Prosciutto cake. Prosciutto, arranged in a cake-like manner, and ostensibly consumed by otherwise reasonable people. Tasty? Sure, in little pieces. But would I have an entire cake slice’s worth of cured Italian pork in one sitting? That seems like altogether too much, with the figs and blood oranges just enough to make me feel kind of queasy.

Let’s look on the bright side, though. Sure, meat cake is now a thing, and we’re going to have to make our peace with that. But let’s take a small solace in the fact that this is only available in America. Hopefully, other countries will see sense, and — Canada?! You made a meat cake too? Not you, Canada!

Look at all those meats and cheeses. In a deli, I’d be ecstatic to see chorizo, ham, gorgonzola, cheddar and salami housed together, but here, it just feels wrong. Shame on you, Canada. I thought you were better. I guess we’re going to have to rely on Europe to be the voice of reason here — oh God, Scandinavia’s version is so much worse. Is that fish?!

I give up. Apparently, meat cakes are now a thing, and I’m just going to have to accept that. Life is full of disappointments, and maybe it’s time for me to go vegetarian for a while anyway. Make a meat cake if you must, people, but if you’re thinking about making this at your wedding, then feel free to go ahead and not invite me.

This is horrifying.

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