Barbecue is known for its tenderness, its sweet tang and – especially in America – its size. Sometimes nothing is more satisfying than being able to chomp down on melt-in-the-mouth meat twice the size of the plate it’s served on. What barbecued food is not known for, however, is its portability.
Takeout food is great, but more often than not, you find your order is never what you expected. I remember ordering barbecue wings once and they came open with the sauce spilt all over the bag – I was not happy, but after some soul searching, I got over it. One man in Florida, however, is looking to completely redefine the meaning of BBQ takeout.
Martin County Sheriff’s deputies arrested Maeli Aguilar-Alvarez of Indiantown, Florida, in around mid-December for shoplifting “a full rack of ribs”, two packs of hamburger buns, nine pieces of fried chicken and an unspecified quantity of mashed potatoes from a grocery store.
Law enforcement spotted the 26-year-old when he removed the aforementioned full rack of ribs from his pants just outside the Rines Market IGA. Police charged the alleged thief with retail theft of the groceries, valued at $32.49. The Martin County Sheriff’s Office claimed that he might have gotten away with it, had a sergeant not spotted him revealing some of the evidence of his crime in full view. You could say he was short-ribbed.
Although only the ribs were cited as inside his trousers, it begs the question: what spectacular pair of pants could fit a full rack of ribs, two packs of hamburger buns, nine pieces of fried chicken and an unspecified quantity of mashed potatoes? Forget Joseph and his Technicolor Dreamcoat, where can I get a pair of these pants? For recreational purposes, of course.
I’m sure the internet would also like to know more about the ribs. Were they cooked? Were they glazed or dry-rubbed? How did Aguilar-Alvarez put them into his pants – horizontally or vertically? Was there room for coleslaw and corn on the cob? What about utensils?
Being able to transfer food of this magnitude via pants would really be a game changer. Although, at this current moment I’m not entirely sure if it’s for the betterment of the human race or not. It really isn’t helpful that there is no description or picture of the pants, so we’re left only with our overactive imaginations.
Fun aside: glorifying a relatively large scale crime shouldn’t be done. It’s heinous and could really impact local shopkeepers if everyone and their dog started coming into these stores with magic pants. The police did the right thing stopping this crime from going on (and alerting writers like me to this bizarre story).
Aguilar-Alvarez reportedly smelled of alcohol too, which, now that you mention it, probably explains a lot. You’d assume his pants probably smelled far more delicious but what’s more interesting – some would argue more important – about this story is that there is no word on what the police did with the food. I hope it went home to the right cookout.