‘Carrot Dogs’ are the horrifying new food trend that absolutely no-one asked for

I don’t know about you guys, but I love me a good cookie. Cakes, brownies and waffles all have their good points and moments, but there’s simply no substitute for cookies and milk when you’re at home with your family, or snuck into your lunch when you’re feeling a little naughty.

It’s a feeling that has few parallels, but there’s also one very painful mirror image to that great sensation; when you rush to a plate of chocolate-chip cookies, and stuff them in your mouth in a glycemic frenzy. Except this time, the¬† cookie tastes different… healthier, somehow. Hold on a second, is this fruit?!

I don’t know how you’d describe the immense wave of surprise, horror and betrayal that comes with mistaking an oatmeal raisin cookie for a¬†chocolate chip one, but I’m kind of thankful it’s not really something I get to experience too often. Unfortunately, there’s a new food trend on the horizon that will bring up memories of that raisin-based disappointment.

Hot dogs suffer from somewhat of a bad rep. When you’re at a barbecue, baseball game or the movies, sometimes, nothing hits quite the spot quite like a delicious bun housing pork, covered in mustard, ketchup, grilled onions or relish. They’re not quite universally loved, though, and there are a few reasons as to why that might be.

Part of the hot dog backlash exists because of the inherent nature of their central figure. Cynical food fans might call a hot dog meat in air quotes, but for vegetarians or vegans, hot dogs are decidedly off the menu. Sure, you can get vegeterian and even vegan versions of the missile-shaped sandwich, but what if there was an alternative for sadists?

Well. I was quite happy with that last question being rhetorical, but… here we are, I guess.

Introducing “carrot dogs”; hot dogs for vegetarians and vegans, who like their barbecue and carnival food with a side of schadenfreude. Enjoy the healthier option when it comes to hot dog food, and smirk callously as you offer it to unsuspecting meat eaters who will end up with a hefty mouthful of carrot, and as a result surely cease being friends with you.

If you want to make a carrot dog, it’s easy! All you need to do is get your carrots, then marinate them in apple cider vinegar, maple syrup, soy sauce, garlic powder and paprika. Don’t forget your Liquid Smoke hickory seasoning! Bake this sad monstrosity in the oven for 20 minutes at 425 degrees with a blanket of aluminium foil, and then bake it again for 20 minutes with the foil removed. Put it in a bun, add mustard and ketchup to taste, and… enjoy, I guess?

The internet is not happy with the carrot dogs.

On the surface of it, I guess there could be an argument made for vegans or vegetarians who want to eat hot dogs with their buddies without violating their dietary requirements, but the mere existence of non-meat hot dogs renders that argument kind of moot. Eat one of those instead of putting a carrot in a bun. Or just have a carrot like a normal person.

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