There are few people that get as protective over their food as Italians. Ferocious defenders of both culinary tradition and grand-maternal honour, brigades of key board warriors are permanently primed to leap into the breach at even the slightest hint of internet pizza malpractice. They even have a Twitter account dedicated to the defence of classic Italian dishes.
It is for this reason that I advise any particularly sensitive or irate Italians to stop reading now.
What follows is probably the greatest affront to pasta likely to be found anywhere on the internet. Butchered Bolognese, overcooked orecchiette and savaged spaghetti are all about to make an appearance. You have been warned - scroll down at your own risk.
1. The curried fish
We begin with a dish that manages to insult India, England and Italy in one fell swoop. Looking like something brewed by a particularly angry witch, this unholy cauldron of curry sauce, fish fingers and fusilli is an affront to food from all corners of the globe.
2. The primordial pool
This dish looks less like cooking, and more as though someone has blown their nose into a bowl. It's unclear whether the plastic spoon is intended to be eaten as a textural element to the plate. It would probably help.
3. Fruitful cooking
It should seem clear to anyone with even the most limited knowledge of how food works, that fruit and pasta do not belong in the same room, let alone the same plate. Clearly, not all chefs got the memo. The result resembles a particularly the particularly stubborn contents of an unflushed toilet bowl.
4. Suspend your disbelief
Until we found this photo, we thought it was a given that all sauce was liquid. Rules may be made to be broken, but that doesn't make the results any less traumatizing. We can only hope that lessons have been learned from this abomination.
5. Leaning Tower of pasta
It usually takes an intimate knowledge of molecular gastronomy to create a dish that is somehow both solid and watery. This amateur has somehow managed it, presumably without years of training. The result looks like someone has been unblocking drainage pipes... and is probably about as delicious.
6. The Reservoir Dog
When orecchiette is done well, it's a thing of soft, saucy beauty. When done like this, it looks as though Michael Madsen has spent several days on an extensive ear hacking spree. I'd happily stay stuck in the middle, as long as I didn't have to eat this garbage.
7. Having your cake and hopefully not eating it
What's most alarming about this image is that the chef clearly created one congealed horror-show, took a look at his work, and then decided to do exactly the same thing again, only bigger. In general, if you can use your pasta as a building material, you're probably doing it wrong.
8. Two birds, one stone
If there are any Italians left reading who haven't exploded with rage, this will be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Not content with ruining perfectly tasty lasagne sheets, this genius decided it would be a bright idea to taint pizza too. Damn you, internet.
When done right, pasta eating should be one of life's great joys. On behalf of everyone at Food Envy, I apologise for ruining it to everyone. Now you all know how Italians feel most of the time.