Although for the most part, life is good, the glorious aspects of our existence will count for nothing if we don’t spice things up once in a while. Sometimes, that applies to food; we all love pizza, but have enough of them, enough of the time, and you’ll slowly start to go insane. That’s where creativity in the kitchen comes in quite handy.
Some people are culinary mavericks, pushing the boundaries of what should be eaten to extraordinary effect, and we love them for it. But sadly, others are mad scientists, butchering the concept of good food; smashing incongruous foods together in an unsettling, ham-fisted display of reverse synergy. These guys are part of the latter camp.
1. Red Velvet chicken & waffles cupcakes
Straight off the bat, we delve right into the darkest corners of doomed culinary innovation. We like Red Velvet cake. We love chicken & waffles. But put them together, and you’ve got yourself something that should not be put into your mouth at any cost.
2. The “crossushi”
If you’re in a sushi restaurant or bakery with your nearest and dearest, be sure to enjoy yourself, because sushi and croissants are awesome. But the second your grandmother stands up and declares that the only thing that could improve your salmon nigiri is a croissant, call an ambulance. Your grandmother might be having a stroke, and it’s quite possible that whoever actually came up with this idea was suffering from some kind of brain injury as well.
3. Kit Kat sushi
Come on guys, leave sushi alone! If you thought that crossushi was as bad as things could get, this is not going to be a fun list for you. As we all know, Kit Kat comes in a number of weird flavors, and at a restaurant in Cape Town, you can get tuna sushi (which is actually raspberry Kit Kat), egg sushi (mascarpone and melon), or sea urchin (pumpkin pudding) sushi. We’re reliably informed that this started off as an April Fools’ joke, but clearly, the joke is on all of us, as this horrifying sushi doggedly continues to exist.
4. A spaghetti donut
This horrifying Italian food abomination is made at Pop Pasta, which tells us that this is a combination of a Neapolitan traditional dish, the spaghetti pie, and the American donut. We’ve had a lot of joy with Italian-American combinations in the past, but this is the moment things went too far. The website says that the spaghetti donut is “the perfect food to bring to picnics or to the beach”, but note how they don’t go as far as implying you should share them with your friends, family, or anybody else who might have an ounce of affection or respect for you.
5. A latte served in an avocado
Usually, I’m down for pretty much any kind of avocado shenanigans. Avocado toast? Yes please. Guacamole cupcakes? Sure… why not. But come on, guys. This is ridiculous. It’s none of the fun of drinking coffee with a burrito, with all the disappointment of said burrito falling apart in your hands, directly into your nice latte. If, for some reason, you despise yourself enough to drink the avocado latte, be sure to drink it quickly; after a while, the hot coffee will cause your avocado to implode, leaving you with nothing but chunky, brown avocado water all over your pants, as well as a deep sense of shame.
6. A poke burrito, with Cheetos dust
The Hawaiian dish poke should be one of those things that needs no introduction, nor improvement, nor innovation. Why mess with something so simple, yet so delicious? And yet, here we are. Poke House in Austin Texas poking the proverbial bear by shoving poke inside a Cheetos-dusted burrito, offending both Mexicans and Hawaiians and managing to kill two delicious birds with one starchy, depressing stone.
7. Pastrami egg roll
Most of the time, team-ups are awesome. You get the best parts of two flagship enterprises, creating something great that’s more than the sum of its parts. We all loved the Avengers, right? This partnership between Katz Deli and Redfarm, however, is more like the DC counterpart Justice League: ugly, conceptually offensive and in hindsight, kind of pointless. What’s the crowning moment of ignominy – Henry Cavill’s computer-generated upper lip, so to speak? This pastrami egg roll. Barf.
8. The “Meatza Pizza”
It’s like a pizza, but instead of the crust, you just have a ton of meat instead. Actually, this one actually sounds kind of awesome. Don’t judge me. Somebody get Pizza Hut on the phone: I’ve got their next big idea.
9. Nutella lasagna
On paper, this actually sounds quite lovely; Nutella plus marshmallows sounds like something you’d see on one of those newfangled cooking channels you see all over your News Feed. But the bright spark behind the Nutella lasagna thought it would be a good idea to add in some lasagna noodles, taking things way too far, and wasting good Nutella and marshmallow. A quite heinous crime.
10. Pickle cupcakes
If you took a regular cupcake, replaced all the sugar with pickles and all the love with unblinking rage, you’d probably end up with something pretty close to the pickle cupcake. We’ve actually talked about this before, but I’m still so upset that I had to bring it up again. If this was any other pickle concoction, I’d probably pass it up with a cute soundbite, like “what’s the dill with this cupcake?” But no humor shall be shared over the pickle cupcake. It deserves only anger.
11. Ketchup and mustard cake
This would be really good if you had a birthday cake, but what you really wanted was a hot dog. Assuming you’re also a sadistic monster.
Well… that happened. Next time you’re in the kitchen, don’t let these horrifying food abominations discourage you from getting creative in the kitchen. If any of these mashups made you feel cold inside, you probably don’t have it in you to create anything like this, and it’s impossible to make them by accident. No, all of these ill-advised mashups were made on purpose. You’re safe.